I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been finding it easier to share my thoughts on my podcast as of late, though even that has been a struggle at times. Obviously 2020 wasn’t what I (or anyone else) wanted or expected. For those who don’t listen to the podcast (heathens)(joking)I’ll briefly catch you up with my life.
I lost my apartment back in June. That whole situation sucked and it was costly in many ways. Trying to move my shit out with no help, no car, no money, I’m really not sure how I pulled it off. That combined with suicidal ideation every day, I had no hope and didn’t want to go on. Though something inside me went to war and I’m still here as a result. It was dark and desperate, but things got better. I’m still healing, though I’ve made a lot of progress since then.
My mom and my aunt opened up their apartment to me with an open ended invitation. I really appreciated that gesture, but I’ve talked about the issues with my family in pasts posts. I was looking at 2020 as the year where I distanced myself from them. It was that or be homeless, so I decided to take the offer. Mind you, the problems with the fam are complicated, but not volatile or dangerous. It had to do with boundaries and respect, things I kept dealing with over and over again that were damaging to my mental health. Before I moved in, I cleared the air, made my case. I feel like I was heard. The last six months have been no cake walk, especially regarding politics and religion, but everyone is being more mindful how they talk to me and treat me.
My health tanked during lock down, my weight ballooned, and I caught Covid due to the roommate living with my aunt and mom. Covid was brutal, but my weight is getting back under control and my health is dramatically better. Plus I’m seeing a doctor now, so I’ve get the meds I need. Finally got back to work too and that’s actually going pretty well now. Rocky start, but I figured it out.
As my life as come back together, I’m looking here at the end of 2020 and I wanted to take another step that’s been long overdue. It’s my dead name and that insidious “M” mark that plagues all my identity documents. I don’t want another year with that scarlet letter and a name that I’ve never liked or that fit me. I don’t know why it took me so long. I guess I figured it was a difficult process or I needed a lawyer. I’m a real DIY kind of person, so I just wasn’t motivated to hire someone, then go to court, collect documentation backing up my request. I did a bit of research recently and found out that it’s not so difficult in CA to do this and I could file all the required documents myself.
Two hours later, everything has been filled out and e-filed to the Civil Court of this area. Now I wait for some sort of letter or email with confirmation, a case number, a court date, if I’ll have to appear or if it will just be decided without a hearing. I’ll pay some fees obviously, but they seem reasonable. Then, after the judge makes a decision in my favor (fingers crossed), I’ll legally be Mx. Ele Nichols. Mixter is fine, I also like Mixtress. I made this change over 10 years ago, but something about being seen by the government as who I am, that’s comforting. No longer having to flash an ID with the dead name and a shitty photo is liberating. I mean, the next photo might be shitty to, but at least gender confirming.
Thank you all for the love and messages I’ve received over the last few months. It means so much to me, more than I could adequately communicate. I love you all.
Escape the Ordinary,