August 18, 2021

Letters to the Void

By In Diary

I need to express something to someone. It’s made more challenging, because I no longer can speak to them. This might seem like the writings of a person who can’t let the past die, but I put off saying this for so long that it’s now too late. Nonetheless, I still need to say it. So let me say it to the void.

I’m happy to report that there is life after death. I spent the last few years dying inside. That internal death was leading up to a very external, more permanent death. I really should have seen doctors and tried to get help. I don’t completely understand why I didn’t. I think I just started believing the lie. You know, the one about there not being any point. I think when you were no longer here, I accepted that to be true.

At first when you left, it seemed like I was doing okay. Maybe I was in denial, but I thought everything would work out. What I failed to understand was just how bad my mental health was and how not seeking clinical help had put a lot on your shoulders. I know we were there for each other, more so than most, but I felt like a burden. Reaching out to you and being real was just not an option for me at the time. 

The distance took its toll. 2020 took its toll. My poor mental health and my perception of the events over that year took its toll. There was only one way that was going to end.  

I’m not going to give a list of excuses. Having spent the past year in therapy, getting my life back in order, and finally making progress with my health, things have become a lot clearer. My actions had reasons, but if I had been in my right mind, I would have made better choices, but I wasn’t, and I didn’t. I am sorry. 

It goes with out saying that two people, who both are dealing with their own disorders, should be mindful of how they approach the other. That’s even harder when one person won’t seek treatment and is unaware of what their disorders actually are. Now I know I might have been able to avoid a lot of pain and a lot of heartbreak, and not just my own.

Perhaps because I was indelicate about how I said certain things, I lead you to believe that it would have been better if you had never been part of my life. I shouldn’t have let that thought be entertained in any way. The truth is, I’m only the way I am today because of you. I mean the best parts of me. 

Yesterday, I was in the parking garage on my aunt’s apartment building, and I was heading out to her car. As I got to the car, I noticed that our neighbor next to us was standing out in front of his car. There’s been drama. On the passenger side of his Mercedes, a series of scratches and dents showcase across the doors. It wasn’t us, but the asshole keyed up the entire driver side of my aunt’s Challenger and possibly put something in her gas tank. We’ve reported everything to the police, insurance, and to our leasing office, but this creep is still next to us. Earlier this week, Carol ran into him for the first time and he got up in her face and started yelling at her. As you can imagine, I was ready to really hurt this fucker. This brings us back to the beginning of this paragraph. He spotted me and started saying some shit. Without hesitation, I dropped my bag, marched right up to him and made him reconsider all the life choices that lead him to that moment. I didn’t touch him, didn’t touch his car, but calmly let him know that he would be asking for a parking reassignment immediately, otherwise I was going to find out why a luxury car, parked in residential parking, still had the dealer plates on the back instead of number plates. I actually already found out that the car was supposed to be in storage for some dealer and that he’d been using it personally, without informing his company. Yeah, they know now. Today, we were informed that he will no longer be parking in that garage.

That was you. That was your impact on my life. I didn’t stutter, my heart wasn’t racing, I had no fear. I wouldn’t ever have dreamed of doing something so bold before you came into my life. There’s a lot of things I would have tolerated and let my self be subjected too in the past. All the good things that are coming into my life now are in no small part because of what you gave me. I will always love you and appreciate what you’ve done for me.

As far the reasons I’m writing this without a receiver, there was things we needed to work through, and we could have, should have done that. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry that I left so many things unsaid until it was too late. I really hope you are happy and healthy wherever you are.


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