February 7, 2013

Installation Error

By In Diary

I’m going to use this post to talk about my own difficulties with crossdressing.

It’s invigorating and freeing to share the triumphs of overcoming adversity, but it’s difficult to share the struggles that happen in between.

Right now, I’m in an ‘in between’ place.

Being ‘in between’ can refer to numerous things for a crossdresser. Being in a place where you’re not sure whether to embrace it or let it go or whether to hide the fact you crossdress or sharing it with others are a couple of examples of what I’m talking about.

Those stages I’m well beyond though.

The thing I am dealing with at the moment is the battle I’m having with my own mind when I go out dressed up.

I was a rejected kid amongst my peers, so as an adult, I have this automatic mental (mal)function that makes me feel insecure around outside people.

My mind does this thing where I conjure up the thoughts and opinions of people around me. Usually, those thoughts are negative.

The advantage I have over it though is I can recognize when I’m doing it. When it starts to happen, I know that it’s nothing more than a self deprecating thought and I have no ability to read the minds of others.

It also helps when there is no negative reaction to confirm from the person my mind has pinpointed as this phantom voice.

Sometimes though, not often, but occasionally, there is a smirk or a laugh or some other thing that instantly I hone in on.

Suddenly, I feel bare naked. I try to stay calm and hide behind a cart, a counter, a bag or whatever is around me.

Now this hasn’t always been the case, but recently I’ve found myself being in the awkward place where I’m confident one moment and timid the next.

Before this starts to sound like I’m complaining how insensitive people are or how people need to learn how to be accepting of others, I want to state that I’m no fool and knew exactly what I was getting into when I decided to be public about all this.

Crossdressing is not seen as common, which makes it abnormal, at least in the public eye…for now.

With that out of the way, my greatest adversary to my future right now is the same person who has been typing this very post…

Wait, whose that? That’s not me! Why does that lady have my…

Oh. Forgot. Sorry.

Me, me was the answer to that build up.

It’s weird being at war with myself.

To put this into computer speak, the new software wants to install onto the system and upgrade the operating system, while the old software is preventing the new software from finishing installation due to bugs and glitches. The only way to move forward is to uninstall the old software and delete it. Problem is, you no longer have the uninstaller program to do so and the manufacturer who originally made the software, no longer supports that version.

Have I made your head hurt yet?

My pain is now yours 😉

So this ‘in between’ phase for me is overcoming this old version of me who is filled with fear and hasn’t moved on to the other side yet.

To the old version of me, I would like to say,


Until he finally does, I have a crucifix and some holy water on standby.

I will make it through this. Experience and my past track record say I will.

It is still something I will have to work out over the next year or so.

Plus, moving back to California from Texas will certainly help, but I will talk about that next time.

Until then…

Exclusively Yours,
Ele Nichols

  1. Meghana Kavya February 7, 2013

    This is exactly how i feel and hope more would agree with you Ele…i’m really not sure about myself really either. Because of the religious upbringing i had and the theological ideologies that i strongly believed once , I carry this guilty feeling in my heart that i’m doing something wrong. My mind continues to accuse the expression of my gender as it is nonconforming to the stereotype binaries. I had this constant struggle in my heart for many years..finally i had to give in and embrace this creative expression of myself…Not that i found the answer..i was weak and tired of this unending conflict…Still not sure..hanging in the air…

    BTW..that computer analogue was funny..

  2. Monica February 7, 2013

    Hey ele

    Monica here, I have been dressing up secretly from my childhood. when ever I dressup I feel so comfortable and happy , But when i am not dressed up some times i hate myself for doing that secretly, I still dont think my family or friends would accepting of monica, I couldn’t even tell it to my X . Reading your story makes me think I am not the only one.. Thanks ele

    Thanks ele


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