June 8, 2012

Fictional Realizations

By In Diary

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a lengthy response to a friend that became an open letter about why I’m a crossdresser and other things about my me. It encompassed part of my life story and that was the first time publicly I’ve been open about my history.

I would like to say first off, there are so many lovely people in this world. I received numerous messages, comments and emails from people. All of them we’re so supportive and encouraging. That really meant a lot to me. It’s not that I’m in a place where I need acceptance or approval from people. That’s one of the many things I have either grown past or am continuing to go away from (depending on the situation). It’s so empowering though when people feedback into your life. Thank you all who have contacted me and expressed your love and support. I am truly humbled.

I didn’t want to loose the momentum from that post. I’ve been trying to write about these things in my life, these personal revelations, discoveries and stories for quite some time. Once I opened up about all those personal things, the inspiration to keep writing just clicked. So here I am. While I can’t say that everything I want to talk about will be as deep and eye-catching as the above mentioned post, I can promise it will come from my heart.

So what’s on my heart today? Today, it’s my characters. Normally, they’re always on my mind. I’ll walk around town with my headphones on and immerse myself in their world. It sounds like day dreaming, I’ll give you that, but I like to think of it as keen observation. You see, Bowler, Eliza, Penny and all the others the encounter; they may be my creations, but in my head they are as real as you and me. Before you start thinking that I’m psychitzophrenic or mentally unbalanced, I can assure you that’s not the case. I’ve had it checked out and got all the proper stamps of approval clearing me as ‘sane’. Mind you that the doctors who checked me out were also my own creations, but still I trust their diagnosis.

Anyway, let me get back to why my characters were on my heart today. They are a part of me. Not in that loose sense, but in an actual way. Each character is born out of some part of my life and identity to varying degrees. While I construct a fictional world around them and create obstacles for them to overcome, who they are is rooted in either who I was, am, could have been or could become. If you thought I was just writing a fun story here, you were partially right. I’m also telling my life story in an abstract way.

Today, I was thinking about Eliza. What part of me does she represent? Mostly my past and my present. She’s on a journey, trying to figure out who she is and how she belongs to her world. She possesses an array of impressive talents, but she doesn’t truly recognize it. She’s lonely, but wants to be alone. She’s angry, but she doesn’t want to be angry. She’s conflict incarnate and broken, but still incredibly strong. Her story comes from a very real place from me. I don’t overall still share these same feelings, but they still resonate with me. Writing her is very therapeutic. When I began tapping away at the keys, although I’m writing her into some impossible situation, there’s the knowledge that everything will work out in the end. That feels me with peace for my own life. I don’t know that for sure, but it’s what I choose to believe. Besides, I’ve seen it time and time again; we make our thoughts become our reality. Why not believe for the best?

While Eliza is more of a pessimist that way, Bowler is not. He’s more like that way. If Eliza is my past, then Bowler is my future. He’s the person I want to become and perhaps who I was meant to be all a long. He’s confident, positive, warm and clever. His heart is for people and he doesn’t look at the world in two-dimensions. His mind and his eyes are wide open. He doesn’t judge and is slow to anger. He’s not perfect, but seeing as perfection is an infinite idea, he’s as close to it as anyone could be. Bailey (Bowler’s real name) isn’t trying to prove anything to anyone and he’s not trying to live up to anyones expectations. He lives the life he sees fit.

Between these two people, my story lives somewhere in there. I may not fight, throw knives or wear a mask. In fact, there are countless things that these characters do that I do not. At the core though, that is me. That gooey center, that emotional core; that’s where I am. While I love telling stories and creating these things that my mind conjures up, there’s this part of it that’s meant to reach people.

When I was a kid, I watched Batman: The Animated Series. I’ve always been a huge Batman fan, but watching those shows was much more than just a pastime. The stories always struck an emotional chord with me. They were deep stories dealing with real problems and real things. It was much more than a kids cartoon show, it was an experience with subjects that would leave you thinking and feeling long after it ended. I recently listened to a podcast with Paul Dini, who wrote many of those episodes. All my favorites he wrote actually. As he was talking about some of his shows, he got emotional. As it turns out, Paul was and is truly invested into those stories and really poured his heart and soul into them. That’s when it clicked for me. That’s why they were SO good. That’s why I cared so much. That’s why that show impacted me and inspired me to do more with my life.

I am creating something that’s entertaining, but I’m also creating something I feel has an impact. Following the example of much wiser men, I give nothing less emotionally to my creations. I guess I don’t treat them as fictional either. They each posses a part of me and I don’t think they would feel as real as they do without that aspect. So this is what I felt like sharing today. If you’ve read my stories, you now have a little more insight about them and what goes into them. If you haven’t, well…I forgive you 😉

Exclusively Yours,
Ele Nichols

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