I’m finding my flow again. It’s been some time since my mind has been free to roam in creative spaces. Further more, I was a bit suffocated in Texas with the way I could present myself to the world. It was a time of no dresses and no overly feminine displays. No one told me I couldn’t do these things there, but I could sense that it was not okay and if I provoked the wrong person, there could be serious consequences for ‘living out loud’ as it were.
It’s not to say that I didn’t express myself in what many would consider to be a feminine manner. I wore skirts, at a modest length of course, usually paired with tights to guarantee everything stayed concealed, but even this small thing garnered negative and unwanted attention. While for the most part it was just dirty looks and whispers, there was one occasion where a man called me a ‘Tranny Slut.’ This incident definitely made me feel concerned for my safety.
I didn’t allow these things to stop me from this small feminine expression I had allowed myself, but instead I retreated from life, instead of standing up to this attitude and discrimination. I felt outnumbered, pure and simple. This was all very new to me. In California, my greatest fears about coming out had to do with friends and family, not so much strangers. In Texas though, the tables turned and I felt as if each day I was under the magnifying glass.
I began to see me life unraveling. I’ve overcome a lot in my life in the last few years, working toward a future where I can be myself and be the person I want to be. I saw all of that coming undone and it really effected me in a negative way. Each day became a fight to preserve my sanity. I knew moving to Texas was going to be a challenge, but I truly had no idea for what I was really in for.
Were my experiences there as bad as some I’ve heard from my friends in Texas or other parts of the country who are dealing with similar things? Not remotely. This was just a taste, but it was bitter. I’m not sure how people in situations such as myself can deal with this on a regular basis, but please know, I admire the hell out of them. It’s probably a tough skin developed over time, but you can’t discount the courage and perseverance that it takes each day to face these obstacles.
In summary, my time in Texas revealed many weaknesses in me. As painful and stressful as it was, it was also essential. I believe ultimately, the experience has made me stronger. I’ve even noticed since I’ve been back here in California that many of the insecurities and doubts about myself that I once had are gone. I can’t spend today or the next wasting time on these primal fears and emotions anymore. I’m in a place now that accepts who I am and encourages the abnormal and the strange. How can I not just embrace that?
The other night, the first time in quite a long stretch, I did fully crossdress again. Not only was it refreshing to do so, but it was liberating. For me, it marked a very special point in my life, like a baptism of sorts. I’ve passed the phase of coming out to people, I’m now in the phase of living my life as the person that I’ve revealed to the world. It’s a strange feeling, but a good one. There are a whole new set of obstacles to tackle, but I’m looking forward to facing them…in a skirt.