July 25, 2012

A Rebuilding Year

By In Diary

I haven’t posted many updates in the last month. Not because I haven’t wanted too, but I didn’t know how to communicate how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess I’ve been in one of my melancholy moods for a bit.

My life is still in a rebuilding phase, regarding friends and those close to me. That’s just one of the realities of opening up to people that I crossdress. Most people are supportive verbally, but have trouble actually spending time with me.

I think there is a fear that I might possible embarrass them or that they will feel uncomfortable. I can’t blame anyone for feeling this way. Hell, I feel that way about myself too sometimes. It can still be very terrifying for me to go out in public crossdressed, especially alone. My mind projects the social perception of what I’m doing as I’m doing it and it can be very intimidating.

I remain optimistic about the future though. As I said, I’m in a rebuilding phase. These things take time, but eventually things will change. In fact, in one area, I’ve already seen a drastic change.

In the last few years, I haven’t done much dating. When I wasn’t open about myself, I really didn’t want to date anyone. Having another person around to keep my secrets from didn’t fill me with joy. I did make attempts though to try and date. Unfortunately, because of all my insecurities and awkwardness, I never really caught anyones eye.

After I came out, I was concerned that this issue of my dating life would worsen. I went onto my dating profile (yes, I’m one of those people) and updated it with the whole truth about me. I sat back and expected some responses, but probably negative. Still though, I tried to keep positive about it, even if I was met with unkind words.

Within the first hour of me posting that update, I received around 20 messages from various different women. I dreaded opening up that first message, but I knew it had to be done. I clicked the link and between the slits of my fingers covering my eyes, I began to read.

It was…very pleasant surprisingly. Though she wasn’t interested in me in a dating way, she thought I was brave and beautiful. After reading that, I went back and clicked on the next one, expecting either a similar response or possibly worse. This time though, this woman was very interested in me. I checked the profile and was happy to see that this person was very cute, well adjusted and didn’t seem to be a fetishist.

Before I go on, I should explain the ‘fetishist’ remark. Most people know what a fetish is. This kind of fetish I’m speaking of is women or men who get sexually charged by seeing a man made-over as a woman and have fantasies attached to that attraction. It’s a domination type thing and something about seeing a man emasculated. They’re looking for what is sometimes called a ‘Sissy Slut’.

The whole idea of this turns me off. While there are many crossdressers who are equally into those types of people, I am not. While I might find certain things appealing about a person or even what they’re wearing, I don’t get into that realm of obsession over them or it. Fetishism, in that regard (and many others), creeps me out. I ‘m not looking for a person who is attracted to the oddity of me.

Going back to the messages I received, as I opened more, I quickly became aware that the problem I thought I would be facing was actually the opposite. It turns out that there are quite a few women who find me attractive. I’m not saying that to boast or brag…well kinda, but I was shocked. This actually says a lot about women being far more open minded than they’re given credit.

I thought I was going to receive a lot of messages expressing repulsion, but to this day, I’ve never received one negative message. While I’m sure there are some who see me and think something awful, they never express it to me anyway. What I’ve ended up hearing is nothing but supportive and kind words. While I haven’t connected with most of them on an intimate level for various reasons, I’ve made some great friends from this. I look at this whole thing as a win.

In summary, while things may be a little quiet and lonely now, I can see what the future holds for me and it is good. This is how I choose to see it anyway, which I believe is what actually will make this future a reality. I always look to the future with positivity and optimism. A lot of people don’t and if you look at the way they live, it shows. I don’t think positive and negative are completely happenstance, but that our minds and the way we pursue life make them a reality. I choose to live my life excited about what’s to come and not in fear of it.

Exclusively Yours,
Ele Nichols

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